Emmett Events
by SarcasticTraitor
Summary: Daily fun with Emmett in 3 easy steps: Part 1, The Wonderful Cullens at Forks High: Emmett before Twilight. Part 2: Emmett's Random Events and Part 3 Hey, Ho, Hey, Ho, To Camp We Go!The Cullens all go camping! Includes Chinese, so read at your own risk!
1. Part 1:The Wonderful Cullens at Forks

**Part 1: The Wonderful Cullens at Forks High**

**Chapter 1: Crap**

**AN: Twilight isn't mine. This story is written in Emmett's POV. This story includes very, **_**very**_** roughly translated Chinese, so don't use it to insult anyone.**

"Alice!" Rosalie was yelling, "Hurry up or we'll be late for school!"

"Stop rushing her, Rose," Jasper told her, trying to calm her down. Rosalie turned and gave him a cold look.

"Coming!" Alice shouted, bounding down the stairs, "Of all times, my drawer just_ had_ to get_ stuck_－"

Rosalie was already out of the door. "Perfect," I heard her mumble, "It's going to rain."

"Isn't that a good thing?" Alice asked cheerfully as she got into the car. Edward was already waiting for us, eyes closed as he listened to some music, "It's not going to rain, but there's going to be thunder, which means－"

"Baseball!" I shouted excitedly, climbing into the front seat beside Edward. Jasper shook his in disgust at my excitement.

"Emmett, if our hearts beat, you and Rose could already have several heart attacks within the last twenty minutes."

Rosalie muttered something inaudible under her breath as we pulled out of the driveway and all the way to school. I caught a few words like _emotion messing, charisma, boys, manipulate,_ _heart_ and _failure._ I grinned to Rose.

"Not having a good day?"

Rose inhaled the oxygen that she didn't need. "Uh, Edward, turn off that music, it's getting on my nerves."

Edward glared at Rose through the mirror. "Not as much as your complaints get on mine."

"Edward, switch it to something else, please. And stop that, Jasper!" Apparently, Jasper was using his powers to send Rosalie into a dreamy state,

A few minutes passed in silence. Then Alice said: "Rose, can you move over? I'm cramped here."

"It's not my problem, it's Jasper's. Move over, Jasper."

"I'm not the one who decided to bring all their CDs to school and dumped them in the backseat and went to sit at the front."

"Oh, yeah? Still, you can put it on the ground beside your feet－"

Edward whirled around. "Don't you dare touch those CDs, Jazz. They're my favorites!"

"Keep your eyes on the road, Ed," Alice advised him.

"I won't until－"

I rolled my eyes as all four of them began to quarrel. Jasper didn't even try to calm things down, although he wasn't quarreling himself. It was mainly just Edward and Rosalie.

"Look, everyone!" I hollered, "Will you just be quiet!"

That didn't improve anything. Jasper tried to use his powers to calm everyone, but the plan backfired. Rosalie, who was sitting next to him, turned and smacked him on the head.

"How－Many－Times－Do－I－Have－To－Tell－You－Not－To－Use－Your－Powers－On－Me－Without－My－Permission!"

I _think_ Jasper might have held if only Rosalie smacked him. After all, vampire or not, Rosalie was a female, and I don't think majors are supposed to shout at woman, no matter how bossy or fierce she was. But then Edward had the nerves to hit him, too.

Uh-oh. If I can remember correctly, Jasper had told me what his trainers in the army had told him to do whenever someone hit you. If it was a girl, then let it pass. If it was a male, then demand what his problem was, and _then_ hit him back. Sure enough, that was exactly what he did.

"What was _that_ for?" he demanded.

"Felt like it." Edward replied.

Hell broke loose.

When we got to school, Edward and Rosalie weren't speaking to each other. Jasper and Alice escaped out of the car as soon as Edward stopped it. I got out hastily and headed for my first class, Chinese.

"**你好嗎**?" my Chinese teacher asked me as I stepped into class. _How are you?_

"**我很好****, ****謝謝**." _Fine, thank you, _I replied automatically. I'd taken this class for goodness knows how many times.

We had to pair up eventually. Jasper, which was in the same class as I was, paired up with me.

"**你好嗎****?**"he asked me. _How are you?_

"**我很好****.****你呢**?" _I'm fine, and you?_

"**不錯****.****你覺得今天得天氣如何**?" _Not bad. What do you think of the weather?_

"**嗯****,****很好****,****只不過蘿思蕾的暴風雨**…" _Um, it's great, but it's Rosalie's storm…_I couldn't help but speak in Chinese. After all, both of us could do it perfectly, and there were so many people talking at the same time, no one would notice.

"**蘿思蕾**…" _Rosalie…_Jasper mumbled, "今**天中午我會好好的教訓她一噸****,****該死的吸血鬼**."_ I will give her a piece of me at lunchtime, the blasted vampire._

I opened my mouth to say something, but stopped. Mr. Wong was looking at us, his eyes wide. "Boys!" he said, "Why didn't you tell me your Chinese was so perfect?"

"Oh, crap," I muttered in English now. The whole class was staring. "Excuse me, sir? Our Chinese isn't really good－you must have heard someone else's…"

"But I swear it was the two of you talking."

"Honestly, sir, our Chinese sucks."

Mr. Wong looked at us more suspiciously, and finally turned away. I looked sideways at Jasper, who was manipulating with everyone's feelings again, making them believe us.

"**該死**"_Crap. _

**Chapter 2: Bring It On**

Chinese class passed quickly enough. Jasper and I didn't speak another word as we hurried off to out next class, but not before Jasper slid a piece of paper tome. I slid into my seat beside Rose in history. All her anger that morning had already evaporated. I took out Jasper's piece of paper.

**告訴她****,****她今天中午完蛋了****. ****如果你不跟她講****, ****我也會給你好看**_._ _Tell her she's in for it at lunchtime. If you don't, I will take out a piece of you at lunchtime as well. _I grimaced and scribbled on a piece of paper to Rose: **傑斯柏說你今天中完蛋了****.****他會好好的修理你**_. Jasper said that you're in trouble at lunchtime. He will take good care of you._

Rose glared at me and wrote back: **你下一節數學課跟他上吧****?****告訴他我會把他的眼睛挖出來****,****手腳拆掉****,****讓他滿地找牙****! ****而且愛德華和你會幫我**_**!**__You have math with him next lesson, right? Tell him that I will pluck out his eyes and rip off his arms and legs so that he will be crawling for his teeth on the ground! And tell him I have you and Edward to help me!_

I stared at her in astonishment and then wrote back.**我會**? _I will?_

**你敢不幫我嗎**? _Do you dare not to?_

I gulped and shook my head.

"Hale!" The teacher called Rosalie to answer a very easy question about Adolf Hitler. She answered it correctly. The teacher looked flabbergasted that Rosalie knew. I just shook my head, laughing inside. There was just about no question in the school that we hadn't done before.

Math was a little more difficult. Jasper smirked at me when I told him about Rosalie's message. When the class started, we began writing again.

**為什麼我們在用中文寫字**_**?**__ Why are we writing in Chinese?_

**因為****,****傻瓜****,****這樣如果紙條被沒收****,****老師是看不懂的**_. Because, dude, even if the teacher manages to get his filthy hands on it, he won't understand a word._

**怕什麼****,****他是找不到的**._ What are you afraid of, he'll never find it._

**以防萬一****,****艾燘特**_. Just in case, Emmett._

The rest of the lesson passed in silence. The teacher didn't even bother calling any of us to answer any problems－he knew that we would know the answer.

The minutes ticked slowly by. As I crossed the yard to biology, I met Edward.

"Hey Ed," I said, "Rosalie－"

"I know. I read your minds in English. Tell her that she can fight Jasper herself. I've already had a go with him."

"When?"

"I ditched Spanish to do it. Second period."

I was startled. So it would be Rose and I against Jasper. I smiled to myself. He didn't stand a chance. Not unless Alice decided to help－that monster was terrifying when it came to fighting…

I closed my eyes in throughout biology. When the bell finally rang, I jumped out of my seat and was at the door before anyone else.

Rose, however, was faster. She caught me by the waist and dragged me off to the old forest at the edge of the campus. "We can settle this in there more quietly," she told me, a wicked grin on her face.

I gulped. "Please, Rose, I don't want to fight."

A splat of mud landed in my hair. I looked up to see Alice perched on a tree, throwing mud balls at me. Uh-oh. If Alice was going to play, then it meant that she and Jasper would certainly win.

Jasper appeared at Alice's side. "Ready, Rose?"

Rosalie smiled. "You bet, Jazz." She picked up a mud ball and threw at Jasper and Alice. The two of them quickly ducked and jumped off the tree, seeing that there was no mud on the trees.

The fight had begun.

**Chapter 3: Bury the Scoundrel!**

"Take that," Alice shouted, "And that, and that, and that, and……"

Hmm. Ditching class wasn't exactly what I'd call fun, but I'd have to admit that we were enjoying ourselves. Even Rosalie, dirty as she was, was laughing hysterically. I wasn't any better; Alice's second snowball had hit me in the mouth. I could still taste it; uh, it was worst than human food.

Jasper bent down and prepared to lob a huge chunk of mud at Rosalie. "Oh no, you don't!" I roared, flinging it in his faces first. He managed to duck it, but his mud ball slipped from his hands and landed with a _splat _on the ground. Too late did I realize Alice was coming up behind me. Her muddy hands blinded my eyes for a moment, and I heard her giggling as she buried my head in mud while Jasper held Rosalie back. I shook my head wildly, trying to throw the little shrimp off, but she clung on like ants in honey.

"Ahh!" I shouted as Alice attempted to fill my nostrils with mud. My arms reached up to rip her off, but she started to cling to my hair. Agony seared through me as I felt her yank out several hairs by their roots. "Alice, please stop!" I begged her, stumbling around wildly.

"Do you admit defeat?"

"Emmett, don't you dare!" I heard Rosalie shout.

"No!" I shouted.

I heard Alice's laugh and she clotted my right ear hole with mud. "Give up?" she squealed into my left ear hole with her high soprano voice.

"Please, Rosalie." I begged her.

I heard Rosalie squeal: "Jasper, stop that! Noooooo!"

"I still take that as a no," Alice said, tickling my armpits.

"Yes!" I shouted, "I lose! Just let me go!"

At once, Alice hopped off my back. "Let Rosalie go, Jasper. Emmett's admitted defeat."

I wiped the mud from my eyes to see Jasper burying Rosalie completely with mud on the ground. He had his foot at the small of her back and was pressing down as Rosalie struggled. At Alice's voice, he took his foot off her.

Alice looked at all of us. "Well, that's easily settled," she laughed. Then Edward came around the corner.

"Holy cow," he gasped, "And I thought that being a junior makes you all more mature!"

"_I'm_ a junior," Alice snapped.

"Yeah, but…" Edward gestured at everyone, "All this…oh, I forgot," he said. Slapping his forehead, "You're all younger than me. That's why,"

Jasper stepped forward menacingly. "Yes, Edward? Who's younger than you?"

Edward took a step backward. "Um, not you," he said.

Rosalie, who was still in a bad mood, said: "Let's all bury Edward, shall we?"

Edward glared at her. "If you do, I won't let you ride home with me."

"We _run_ faster than that stupid hunk of metal goes!" I choked out.

"Oh yeah? Then why－"

He never got to the end of the sentence. All of us pounced on him, crying: "Bury the scoundrel"

**Chapter 4: The Chinese Word for IT**

Edward turned to run. Yes, he was very fast, everyone knew, so we didn't even give him a chance. Jasper and I blocked his path. He darted to the other sides to see Alice and Rosalie grinning at him.

"Not a chance, Ed," Rosalie told him, grinning, "It's your turn."

"Let me ask you a question," chirped Alice, "Does human food taste better or dirt?"

"I have no idea." Edward mumbled.

Jasper smiled wickedly. "Then here's your chance to find out!"

I pinned Edward to the ground as all the others bombarded him with twigs, dirt, mud and a lot of other things that didn't seem to come from earth. Poor Edward. Only Buddha can help him out now.

If it was a film or movie, this would've been a great scene. Not because Buddha _really_ came and helped Edward, but because someone _did_ come and stop the others.

All of us looked up to see Esme's shocked face. "What on _earth_ are you doing?" she asked, her voice trembling. I felt Jasper carefully sending out emotional waves to calm her so that she wouldn't notice that he was doing it.

"Err, doing a bit of outdoor family activities," Alice said in a convincing voice. I put a hand over Edward's mouth to stop him from telling her everything. "Um, why are you at school?" I asked Esme.

Esme frowned. "The school called," she said, "Apparently, all four of you ditched class without a warning."

Rosalie groaned. "Why do they have to contact parents when we disappear? We're old enough now."

Esme glared at all of us. "You'd better clean up and get back to school and apologize for ditching."

_Apologize for ditching?_ If I knew the Chinese word for 'f**k,' I would have spoken it out loud. "Apologize for ditching? What's the point of that?"

"Everyone has been very worried about you."

As all of us sulkily went to clean up, Edward passed by and muttered: "It's '******' ."

**Chapter 5: A Way to be Killed by Jasper and Alice**

I made it just in time for the last class of the day－gym.

Sounds stupid, but I dread gym. There are loads of things I don't like about gym－changing with everyone, slowing down when I run, not using my full strength…they really irritate me, so I took a _really_ long time in the shower.

Cleaning up after the fight was one of the worse things I ever experienced. I had been lucky enough to suffer only a few scratches and cuts. Alice had been very careful when she inserted her tiny twig-like fingers into my ears and filled then with mud. In the changing room, the three of us (Edward, Jasper and I) had broken skin, scratches and mud everywhere, Edward especially. We had pummeled him into something like a human blackberry—if only he would bleed!. Jasper had found a brand new set of vampire bite marks to add to his collection on his arms.

I groaned as I put a piece of tissue into my ear, trying to get out the already dried mud. No effect. I couldn't even hear what Jasper was saying to me now. I mean, I could, but with the hearing of a human.

"…stupid fight…" I caught Edward muttering.

"You shouldn't have tried to interfere," Jasper snapped at him.

"I wasn't. You all jumped on me like a trampoline－"

"You annoyed all of us."

"Oh? And How?"

"First, you came, which irritated Rosalie. You said that you were the only junior, which annoyed Alice. Then you said that we were all younger than you, which provoked me. And then you said not to give us a ride home as if we _couldn't_ get home by ourselves, infuriated Emmett. So there. Congratulations, you have found a brand new way to get yourself killed by the Cullens."

Edward was not amused. "Found? There are loads of ways to get yourself killed by us. I hardly need to find them."

"Well then, how about you start listing?"

"Easy. I'll start with you: tell everyone that you're a chill pill, cover any old girl in the school with paper cuts and tell her to stand in front of everyone in class when you're thirsty, kidnap Alice and tape the whole thing down, enroll you for anger management classes…"

I let out a choking laugh. _Anger management classes!_ That was stupid, trying to picture Jasper sitting there, calming the teacher's emotions instead of the teacher calming his and feeling everyone's emotions…

Jasper narrowed his eyes at Edward. "Well, you have just done one of them, so I think I will start……"

I shook my head and started to dry my hair with a soaking towel, realizing my mistake at the last second. Edward looked around.

"Uh-oh, Jasper, before you kill me, I think we're in for a huge cleanup."

I looked at the sink, the floor, and at the walls. They were all covered in mud and water.

"Um, cleanup?" I stammered.

Edward nodded. "Aye. Cleanup time."

Jasper made a face. "That won't be such a big problem, huh?" he got a hose and started to spray the walls. Then he laughed.

"No," Edward growled, "Do it to Emmett."

I glared at Edward. "What?"

Jasper turned the hose to me, a jet of water aimed straight for my face.

"Aiiiiiii!" I shrieked as the water went up my nose and into my ears. Jasper turned the nozzle away, chuckling. I was about to go and rip him up into shreds when I realized that the mud in my ears and nose had started coming out. The water must have made it into some sort of _liquid._

Edward began laughing at the sight of the brown stuff coming out of my ears and nose. Jasper turned with an amused expression on his face, but otherwise continued to clean the walls.

I stared at myself in the mirror. _Oh, well,_ I thought, as my sense of sound and taste began to return, _better than keeping all of that in me._

Edward and Jasper finished cleaning in half a minute. "You didn't help at all," Edward complained.

"Can't you see that I'm cleaning my ears, dude?"

"Oh hell," said Edward when he looked into the mirror, "My gorgeous, lovely bronze coloured hair is all messy and wet!" he began to rearrange his hair in the mirror.

"You'd better make it look nicer for your funeral," Jasper snickered.

"What? Oh yeah…maybe you want to do it too, seeing as Carlisle will definitely kill _you_ if you kill _me._"

"I don't need to. I'll just make Carlisle think that you were useless, and that you deserved it."

"Why you little－"

"Boys!" Esme was already at the door, "You've been there for ten minutes already. That's far too long!"

"Ten minutes is long?" Edward asked incredulously, still doing his hair.

"For boys, yes, and especially you, Edward."

"_I'm_ done," Jasper said, already halfway out the door. Esme pulled him back by the collar.

"Not so fast, Jasper, your hair looks like a haystack."

"But I like it this way－" came Alice's high voice. Dammit, she was already finished.

"Well, the teachers don't. Come on, Jasper, comb your hair."

"But it's impossible," Jasper moaned as Esme pulled out a comb, stood up on her tip-toes and began running it through his honey-blonde hair. I grinned.

"Let _me_ do it for you," I offered, snatching the comb from Esme's hands and doing it _really_ hard and painfully. Jasper tired to escape, but the comb was still stuck in his hair and I enjoyed the tortured expression on his face as I ran it with a lot of difficulty through his hair, though he didn't make a sound.

"Hey!" Alice said, pushing me away, "Don't do that!"

Edward was laughing so hard, he was clutching the sink with both his hands to remain upright. Esme had trouble hiding a smile that threatened to break out at any moment.

"What are you doing?" came Rosalie's disgusted voice. I grimaced and continued dragging the comb through Jasper's hair. Though it wasn't long, he had been right about it being impossible to tame.

"Done!" I shouted, holding the comb up high. Edward erupted into another peal of laughter and fell onto the wet floor, pounding the ground. Rosalie covered her mouth, but not before I saw I huge smile. Esme looked at me with wide eyes. Both Alice and Jasper glared at me.

Uh-oh. I stared at the comb. There were only one or two teeth left in it. All the rest were now tangled in Jasper's hair.

**Chapter 6: Our Newest Baseball Player**

I grumbled as I made my way to gym class, thinking about the last ten minutes. It had been such a horrible nightmare!

First, Alice and Jasper both killed me. Well, literally, because they couldn't set off a fire in the school----there was a sign that said NO SMOKING----but it was equally bad. Well, no, because they didn't do much—no fists and kicks, but the look Jasper gave me was MURDEROUS. I think I have finally experienced the term 'looks that could kill'; Alice's eyes were shooting daggers.

Gym was—drum roll, peoples—BASEBALL!

Just when it was my turn to hit, everyone stopped the game. Mr. Wong came up to me, dragging Jasper and Rosalie by the collar. He was here to see the headmaster, who was watching the baseball game. Uh-oh. We hadn't parted for fifteen minutes, and they had the nerves to get into trouble _again._

"Headmaster!" Mr. Wong exclaimed, "headmaster, I have the perfect people for our Inter-school Chinese competition—the Hale twins! They are simply perfect at this beautiful language..."

I chuckled to myself as I heard Mr. Wong tell the headmaster how good they were, how nice they would be together as a team. Looking at Jasper and Rosalie's expressions, I had the idea that they were cursing each other in Spanish with Chinese. I was so pleased, I hit the ball a little harder than I was supposed to hit it.

Uh-oh. Again. The sound was not loud, but enough to distract the teacher's attention. "Ho!" said the Headmaster. "And at the same time, we find our newest baseball player, Emmett Cullen!"

OK. I definitely need the Chinese word for 'f**k'. What did Edward say it was?

**Chapter 7: Scientific Alice Cullen**

That day, Rosalie, Jasper, Alice and I walked home.

I mean walking at human speed, which means we were quite slow. But we had time--and Edward!-- to kill on our hands, and we had a few problems to discuss.

"Stupid Wong, nosy Wong,_**無事找事做的人**_ " _Idiot who likes to find something to do all the time, _Rosalie mumbled, "And we thought that the Spanish teacher didn't know how to read Chinese!"

"She didn't," Jasper said warily, "She got Mr. Wong to read it."

I sighed. "I'm going to reveal our secret if I'm not careful enough."

Alice looked behind us. "_**完蛋了**_" she said. _Uh-oh._

We looked to see Mr. Wong coming up behind us in his car. With a sickening jolt, I saw that the headmaster was in the backseat.

"Alice!" Boomed the Head, "I have great news for you! The biology teacher has permitted you to go and compete in the inter-school science fair!"

"Sc-science fair?" Alice stammered. Hmm, I wonder if she saw that coming.

_"__**是的**__**,**__**小姐**__" Yes, missy._ "Dr. Carlisle Cullen must be feeling so happy that his adopted kids are going to do such wonderful stuff for the school!" He drove away, leaving all four of us gaping on the sidewalk.

"Heck, we are in _so_ much trouble," Alice said. Then she said: "Hey, Emmett! Didn't you have a baseball game you wanted to play?"

I smiled slowly. "Yeah." Baseball! Things were already starting to look better now!

**Chapter 8: America's Pastime With the Head**

We were at the clearing in less than 5 minutes, with all the gear. Then disaster struck.

Edward was already there, playing baseball. And guess who was playing with them?

_THE REST OF THE TEACHERS AT SCHOOL_

I gaped at him. All four of us shrank back into the shadows.

"What the **** is he doing here with all those humans? Isn't he supposed to be getting ready to attend his own funeral?" Rosalie hissed, looking at Jasper.

Jasper moaned. "I can smell them from here. Now, when was the last time I hunted?"

Alice slapped her forehead and looked at Jasper's flat-black eyes. "Why didn't I see this?" she hissed to herself

I lowly cursed. Damn Edward, I bet that he read all our minds this morning and decided to get revenge. "All right, Alice. Can you see what's going to happen within the next thirty minutes?"

Alice held up a hand. "Wait a minute." Her eyes became glassy and still. Jasper began to squirm. "Hold him, Emmett," Rosalie said. I put a firm hold on Jasper, in case he lost control. Jasper didn't look at me; he continued to eye the teachers. Uh-oh.

Alice's eyes snapped open. "I say that we get out of here, because Edward is reading our minds right now and he's going to reveal our hiding place here. Furthermore, Emmett, you and Rosalie are going to swear in all the languages you know, and the teachers are going to flip. Then I will flip them all off, and then Jasper will go crazy."

"I will?" Rosalie and I said at the same time. Jasper was still looking at the teachers.

Alice nodded. "Hurry up, he's coming here in five minutes. Lets move!"

All of us scrambled away. I had to pull Jasper away from our hiding place----he wouldn't take his eyes of Mr. Wong's neck. We ran all the way home.

Esme was in the living room when we got back. "How was baseball?"

"We didn't play," I said, slumping onto the couch. Alice and Jasper went off to hunt.

Rosalie turned on the telly. "I'm going to _strangle_ Edward when he comes home," she mumbled, watching the telly with no glimmer of interest at all.

I looked at the screen. It was playing Teen Titans, a super-hero cartoon. I watched a green boy-I think his name is Beast Boy- get zapped again and again by a lightening bolt and surviving. "Hey, Rose," I said, "What do you think will happen if that's what we did to Edward?"

Rosalie didn't speak, but just watched as Beast Boy got pummeled again and again by a thunder-thing without even getting a bruise.

It was downright boring, but amusing at the same time. I watched the cartoon switch to one called Courage the Cowardly Dog, a ridiculous little pink puppy saving his master and mistress from a bunch of vampires. I smiled. It was just so ironic.

Rosalie got up and stretched. It was beginning to turn dark outside. "I hope Edward comes back soon," she said, "I will be arranging his funeral."

"No, _I_ will be." Alice walked into the room.

"We could do it together," Rosalie offered.

Jasper came in, his hair still wet. With a pang of laughter and guilt, I realized that some teeth were still stuck in his hair. He felt my amusement and frowned.

"Do you want Alice to arrange your funeral too?"

"No," I chuckled.

We all heard Edward's car. Alice peeked out of the window. We heard him cursing about the rain messing up his hair. His lovely, gorgeous hair.

"You know who the next person arranging his hair will be?" Rosalie said softly.

"I have a suggestion," said Jasper, "How about the funeral director?"

**Chapter 9: The Tungsten Coffin**

We all pounced on Edward as soon as he set foot in the house.

Alice, who was the smallest, jumped onto his head, the same way that she had jumped onto mine. We had all blocked our minds with animated penguins, so he didn't have a clue what we were going to do. Rosalie dragged out a real coffin-metal-and threw it open for Edward as jasper pulled him into the coffin.

Not so fast. Edward tried to fight back, but I pushed him in deeper. "So long, sucker," I laughed as all of us struggled to put the lid back on. Rosalie brought out the rope and wound it tightly around the coffin.

We heard Edward banging on the lid, but with no effect. Jasper had been considerate enough to get a coffin made from the hardest metal-the 74th element in the periodic table of elements, _W ( tungsten) ._ Plus, it was a metal, and metal is _malleable,_ unlike wood and stone.

We dragged the noisy coffin into the garage and into my jeep. The plan was to leave him all alone in the middle of the forest, then go and get him out after a day or two. Alice wasn't bothering to read the future, so we had to rely on our lucky stars that the plan would work...

As soon as we backed out of the driveway, Carlisle's car came up the driveway.

"Hey," he said, poking his head out of the window, "Where are you going?"

"um, hunting" I lied quickly. But Edward gave it all away.

"LET ME OUT OF HERE! CARLISLE, TELL THEM TO LET ME OUT OF HERE!"

Carlisle raised his eyebrows at me. I shrugged.

"Family activity." But under my breath, the Chinese word for 'f**k'.

**Chapter 10: So, Eddie**

"…**讓我們大家擁有美麗的未來****,****能夠達成我們的夢想**…" Jasper finished rather clumsily. I choked back a laugh. _Let us all create a new, bright future and achieve all our dreams…_

Mr. Wong wiped a tear from his eye. "Ah," he said, his voice trembling with emotion, "At last, Forks High has some real _Chinese_ competitors!"

The headmaster smiled. "All thanks to you, Mr. Wong," he said, "I cannot imagine if the Hale twins will ever be so skilled if it weren't for your efforts…"

It was Tuesday afternoon, the day after Mr. Wong had 'discovered' our talents. Edward was the only one who had managed to get away with it. The others, that was to say, Alice, Rosalie, Jasper and I had all been forced to represent the school in some wacky thing. It wasn't a problem, but we wanted to _blend in_.

It was raining outside, which cancelled baseball practice for me---I had been asked to represent the school in the baseball team. So I was watching Jasper and Rosalie 'struggling' with their Chinese lines on their topic _The Importance of Working as a Team in the Parliament._ If you ask me, it's the most boring subject in the entire universe. I even doubt there was one about it at all.

I chuckled to myself as I watched Rosalie being instructed by Mr. Wong. Huh, Mr. Wong thought Rosalie was the most prettiest girl the school, if not the whole world. _Idiot_, I thought. Mr. Wong was a downright idiot. If he knew what Rosalie was capable of, he wouldn't dare approach her at all. And those girls with their noses pressed against the window looking at Jasper were no better. They didn't know Alice. I smiled to myself as I recalled the joke Edward and I played frequently on Jasper…

"_How do you stand Alice, Jazz?"_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_We mean: how can something so small be so annoying?"_

Alice would skin the girls outside if she saw their expressions. Trouble was, she was on the other side of school, doing a stupid science fair.

Talk about blending in!

Of course Esme had tried to talk with the headmaster, but as far as he was concerned, this was the 'number one opportunity for Forks High to shine'.

Idiot.

They were all idiots.

How can humans be so weak and yet, so stupid at the same time?

Mr. Wong finally let the 'Hale twins' go, and the three of us walked out into the corridor. Rosalie started ranting about stupid teachers minding their own business. I joined in, wondering just why humans had to poke their nose into everything. Jasper stayed silent, eager to get to Alice.

We saved Alice from the hands of the science teacher. Rosalie was still ranting.

"…And I'd like to know who put all the teachers up to this!" she finished.

"Shh, Rose," said Alice, "Listen and block your thoughts."

All of us blocked our thoughts with animated birds as we listened. Edward's voice came floating down the corridor.

"…And sir, Emmett's very good at Chinese, too," he was saying, "Alice is perfect at Spanish." I watched Rosalie's face imitate the traffic lights, "And Rosalie's history is impossible to beat, ask Mr. Brown himself, she answered a question yesterday that no one else knew. And Jasper's math is terrific, too, and Alice sometimes does super hard chemistry experiments with him…"  
"Really, Edward?" came the headmaster's voice, "Are you saying that your siblings are all so talented, and your foster father never told anyone?"

"Well, our foster father doesn't like to brag," Edward said in that convincing tone that I knew would fool anyone, "But he is very strict."

"But what about you?"

Edward made his voice sound very sad. "I'm not as talented, sir. But when you've got Alice and Emmett Cullen and the Hale twins, who needs me?" his voice trailed away.

Rosalie turned to the rest of us. "So."

**Chapter 11: Revenge**

I was ready to rip Edward from limb to limb. _So it was he who had been setting us all up,_ I thought. Perfect. Just what we needed. So much for trying to 'blend in.'

For the first time we had set foot in Forks, Alice wasn't smiling. It had only been twenty minutes since we found that Edward was the idiot behind all the trouble, fifteen minutes since Rosalie had been asked to attend a history competition, ten minutes since I had been forced to attend the Chinese speech thing, five minutes since Alice had been pulled into a Spanish contest and thirty-one seconds since Jasper had been informed that he would be doing Alice's science fair with her, in addition to a physics and chemistry and math contest.

In other words, 0.00000001 seconds ever since Rosalie lost it.

"Traitor!" she hissed under her breath, "nasty, lying piece of filth!" We were in the meadow where we always played baseball, and the teachers were there _again_. And guess who was playing with them?

You've got it, man.

Edward was playing really badly. Not that the teachers cared; Edward's 'badly playing' was perfect to them, though he kept on reminding them that I was a better player.

"Emmett's really better, you should watch him play," Edward was saying. I felt my insides bubble with outrage.

"Emmett!" laughed the head, "Come and play with us"

"No thanks," I told him, "I have a sore ankle."

"He's only being modest, sir," Edward said. Rosalie was right: traitor!

Alice wasn't glaring at Edward, however; Carlisle had always told us to be polite to our teachers. Rosalie's 'pig headedness' was getting on everyone's nerves.

"Um," said Jasper, unleashing his power of charisma on the teachers, "Maybe we should just go home, sir, to prepare for everything, you know..."

The Head nodded. "Of course, Hale, go home and get ready. Forks High is gonna win!"

_Gonna win?_ I could hardly stop my resent from showing on my face as we backed out of the meadow. As soon as we were out of earshot from the humans, Rosalie opened up the floodgate.

"Does he have any idea what he's doing? And I bet that even if we didn't pass Chinese notes around in class, we would've been dragged into all those stupid contests. What does he think he's doing? Why? And I bet he's going to make us attend some other sort of stupid thing three seconds later. How does he know that we aren't going to fail in any of that dumb stuff? What if---"

"Calm down, Rosalie," Jasper said in that suspiciously soothing voice, "All we have to do is to go to the Head and explain everything to him. Big deal, there's nothing to worry about."

"Like Esme hasn't tried." Muttered Rosalie, but she shut up all the same.

"We need to get revenge," Alice said finally, "Something that he's good at and you know..."

Jasper's eyes flashed with sudden inspiration. "I've got something. I was wondering about his superb piano skills..."

**Chapter 12: Dear Sir**

_Dear Sir:_

_We are writing on behalf of our adopted brother, Edward Cullen._

_He is feeling very upset lately, due to the fact that his piano skills have been ignored when the rest of the attention has been focused on only his siblings and not him. You see, he is the youngest in our family, and usually he gets all the attention, and therefore, he cannot stand people not paying attention to him._

_It has come to our attention that there is an international piano contest in a little more than a month. We are now suggesting that you could send our brother Edward to compete. He is very competitive, and he would simply jump for the chance. But he does not agree to anything that we ask him to do, due to a little argument we had a few months ago._

_So we are asking you to let him compete in this contest. Our foster mother is very excited about his brilliant piano skills, and wishes that the world can listen to his music. She is very upset, too, because he has not been able to attend the Chinese, Spanish, history, chemistry, physics, math contests and also the science fair and he also wishes to run the hundred meter race. He is a very fast runner._

_We hope that you will accept our request, sir._

_Best wishes,_

_Emmett and Alice Cullen and Rosalie and Jasper Hale._

**Chapter 13: Responses and Oh Ho's**

The Principal's response:

Oh ho!

The music teacher's response:

Oh ho!

Mr. Wong's response:

**喔吼** (Oh ho!)!

**Chapter 14: Eddie, the Hair Dye and the Fan girls**

"Edward Cullen!"

Alice smirked as the head's voice rang across the entire cafeteria. Edward looked up, his expression puzzled.

"Yes, sir?"

The head came over and threw his arms around Edward's neck, much to our amusement. "Edward, oh, Edward, why didn't you tell me that you are as brilliant as your siblings, if not better?"

"I--I_---what?"_

The head beamed at him. "Your piano skills are simply wonderful!"

I watched Edward's expression slowly dawn to understanding as he saw our amused expression. "Sir, I really don't---"

"He's only being modest, sir," I told the head. Edward gnashed his teeth in anger, but the head failed to see that.

"I can imagine it already, Edward!" the head _was_ crazy now. The excitement waves Jasper sent towards him only made it worse, "You on the stage, dressed in a classic tuxedo, and the judges announcing _the first prize goes to Edward Cullen of Forks High!_"

Rosalie smirked as the headmaster started to drag Edward towards the music room, where a fat-looking music teacher was already swooning. "Serves him right," she muttered.

"There's more to came," I smiled I see as the bio, chemistry, physics, history, Spanish, Chinese, Latin, geography, PE, English, social studies and math teacher all surround Edward, most of the female. All the students are looking...um..._amused?_

"Edward, you _have_ to say some Chinese for us---"

"Edward, I never knew that your math was so good---"

"Edward, Alice would love to have you doing the science fair with her---"

"Edward, I'm informing you that you will be representing our school in the 1200 meter race---"

"Edward, Latin is too easy for you, right? Then I'll give you an extra dose of it each night..."

"Edward, can you name the second biggest river in Zimbabwe? I know you can..."

"Edward..."

"Edward..."

Alice dives under the table, her laughter uncontrollable. Jasper isn't helping---he can't control his expression too well. Rosalie has her head buried in my shoulder. I hide my face behind a history textbook.

"Oh," Alice gasps, surfacing finally, "Wait until---" she breaks off, laughing.

Rosalie smiled. "His lovely, gorgeous, bronze-coloured hair..."

Jasper looks mortified. "What colour did you pick?"

"Green and purple," I laughed.

The rest of the afternoon is spent in laughter as we see a dozen teachers trailing after Edward, going: "Edward, Eddie, Edwardo..."

As we _speed_ home at vampire speed that day, all of us were laughing. Rosalie was imitating Edward's expression, and Alice was pretending to be the swooning teachers.

"Edward!" she was crying, "Edward, you are going to attend the annual math competition! Edward, your physics are so excellent, you don't even need to take it! Edward, I think you are so handsome---will you do this contest?"

I laughed as I put the key into the lock and open the door. "How about his lovely, gorgeous, bronze-coloured hair?"

"All in good time, Emmett," said Rosalie as we turned we fetched our baseball things and rush out again.

"The fan girls are waiting..." Jasper mumbles, a phone in is hand.

"Perfect." Alice grinned.

We raced each other to the meadow. The fan girls were already waiting there.

"Where's Eddie?" One of the shrieks.

Jasper smiles and dials. "Edward? We're playing baseball. You wanna play? All right, we're sorry, okay?" I heard him unleash his charisma on Edward. "Five minutes, then," he whispered to us. Then, louder to the fan girls: "Edward's going to play baseball with you, so you'd better get into teams quickly!"

All the girls team up. Everyone wants to be in the same team as Edward. As they quarrel, we slip away into the shadows. Edward arrives.

"Eddie!" the fan girls shriek at the top of their lungs, "Eddie, I love you!" Rosalie made a face as we watch from behind a bush, "Eddie, did you know that you're my model?"

"Eddie, you're fantastic!"

"Eddie, can you teach me how to play the piano?"

"Eddie, can you tutor my history?"

"Eddie, will you go to the prom with me?"

"Eddie, can you kiss me?"

And Eddie just stands there with his mouth wide open, which makes them all scream with mirth. Alice shakes with quiet laughter. Rosalie's mouth hasn't closed ever since she opened it. I watch Edward try to escape through the crowd, but 1,000 fan girls are stronger than 1 angry vampire.

Lose, Edward.

When he finally came home like, 3 hours later, we were all sitting in the living room, watching that dumb cartoon called Teen Titans again. Only now it didn't seem so dumb as it did on Monday, as that green coloured-titan had his shampoo switched to pink hair dye. Well, it made more sense now because 1 minute later, Edward was the green titan, only it was purple and green dye.

"ALICE! ROSALIE!" there was a 0.0000000001 second pause. Then:

"EMMETTT! JASPER!"

The girls turn to look at us. I shrug.

"Jasper and I got him a new bar of tanning soap."

Edward rushes downstairs with only a towel around his waist. His lovely, gorgeous, bronze-coloured hair was now purple and green, with another nasty mixture of both. His normally pale skin is now dark. Alice buries her head in Jasper's lap, she's laughing so hard, if she could cry, then tears are streaming down her cheeks. I stuff my fist into my mouth.

Then the man of the house came in.

"CARLISLE! LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO ME!" Boy, Eddie was mad, "FIRST THEY TOLD THE HEAD THAT I WAS GOOD AT EVERYTHING, INCLUDING MY PIANO SKILLS, AND THEN TRICKED ME INTO PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A THOUSAND FAN GIRLS AND NOW ALICE AND ROSALIE SWITCHED MY SHAMPOO TO HAIR DYE AND EMMETTT AND JASPER REPLACED MY SOAP WITH ---"

"Whoa, Edward!" Carlisle says, holding up a hand, "Please go and put some clothes on! And you have fan girls? Wow!"

Esme comes swooning in. "Edward has fan girls! AND he's going to compete in all those things! Dearest Eddie!"

Jasper falls off the chair. Rosalie holds onto the table for support. I feel like I have a thousand bruises in my stomach. Then the phone rings.

Jasper picks it up. "Hello?"

The screech at the other end knocks me off my feet. "Where's Eddie? He said he would date with me tonight!"

Another one rings. "Hello?" Alice says.

"Where's Eddie! He said that he would kiss me tonight!"

A third one rings. I pick it up.

"WHERE'S EDDIE?!?" the girl on the other end screeches into my ear before I can ask who they are.

Eddie snatches the phone from me. "GET LOST!" he bellowed.

"AWW, YOU'RE SOOOOO SWEET! EDDIE!" Then there's a knock at the door. Edward flees upstairs. Carlisle opens it.

"I WANT EDDIE! WHERE IS EDDIE? EDDIE RULES! HE SAID HE WOULD GO OUT WITH ME AND KISS ME TONIGHT! AND HE SAID THAT HE WOULD TEACH ME THE PIANO AND TUTOR MY HISTORY..."

We all hear a loud crash from upstairs. Alice shrugged.

"Eddie's having some time to himself."

"BUT I WANT EDDIE! EDDIE IS MINE! EDDIE'S TIME IS ALL **MINE**! I WANT EDDIE!"

When we finally tow the screaming fan girl to the asylum, I hear Carlisle mutter: "Still crazy after 108 years."

**Chapter 15: The Newest Bear Joke or Emmett thinks**

_Friday, early in the morning._

I'm wrestling the huge grizzly. It tries to take a bite out of my arm, but Jasper blinds it, making it even more irritated than it already was. Then suddenly, it makes a really funny sound.

I frown. I had never heard a sound like that. It does it again.

Then I realize that it's _laughing._

---

_Later, on the way back home from hunting._

Edward kicked a tree. Naturally, it fell over with a humongous _crash._

"Emmett, Jasper, you two are incredible. Even bears want to laugh at me now!"

I grin at him. "It's nothing, Edward. If you like, we can give you…"

"No thanks." He turns away.

Jasper smiles for the first time today. "Edward, if only you can find yourself a girl. Then we wouldn't tease you like this."

I start to imitate Esme. "Edward! Edward, you really need to get yourself a girl! You're always the odd man. Edward…"

Edward swipes at me. I duck, and he tries to kick me. "Seriously, Edward, consider yourself as lucky. If it weren't for Carlisle, then you would still be in that tungsten coffin in the middle of the woods with Goldilocks and the three bears."

"Which is scarier, a fan girl, Goldilocks the three bears or being locked inside a tungsten coffin?" Jasper teases Edward.

"Hmm, I'd have to say fan girls, then Goldilocks, the three bears and _then_ the coffin. Honestly, I can't imagine where you two got all the fan girls from. They weren't from school, no one there notices us."

I look at Jasper. "Well?"

Jasper smirks. "Use your imagination, Ed."

Edward suddenly stops. "Oh, man."

"What?" I asked him.

"I can smell them."

"Who?" Jasper still isn't that sensitive.

"The head with Carlisle."

"What one earth would bring him here at five o'clock in the morning?" I hissed.

"I don't know. Shh, listen."

I cock my head and listened.

"…Sir, you must understand that---"

"Never mind, Dr. Cullen, your kids need to _showoff_, that's what they need. And Edward already told me that you are too modest."

"Sir…"

"Next Wednesday, Dr. Cullen, Edward's piano concert. We have Alice's science fair the week after with Rosalie's history competition, Emmett's baseball game and Edward's running race the week after, and after that, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie's Chinese speech and Alice's Spanish contest, and then after all that, Jasper's math, physics, chemistry and biology grand exam. I expect them to do their very best. Just thought that I'd remind you. That will be all." I heard him go into the car and drive away.

Edward was on at the porch in a blink of an eye. "Carlisle…" he began.

Carlisle held up a hand. "I know. But you have to clear all of this up, because all of you made this mess in the first place." He holds up a huge cardboard box. It's even as big as Edward…no, Jasper…no, me.

"What's that?" Jasper eyed the box.

Carlisle started to imitate the head. "I just thought that your kids would like to practice a little before they go, so I brought these old exercises, as old as dating from 1895."

"That's not old," sniffed Jasper.

"To you, old man." Edward shoved Jasper. Jasper tried to hit Edward, but he was too fast.

Carlisle pretended to glare at Edward. "Edward! If Jasper is old, then what does that make me?"

"Ancient," Edward laughed.

We dragged the box inside, where the girls were in the living room. Rosalie was instantly at my side.

Alice wrinkled her nose. "Uh, I told you not to open the door, Carlisle. See what he brought us? Exercises! Does he think---"

"Yes," said Esme.

Rosalie started to drag the box over to the fireplace. Edward laughed. "What are you doing?" Carlisle demanded.

"I'm going to _burn_ them."

Jasper chokes back a laugh. "Rosalie, don't be stupid."

I hold up my hand. "Rosalie, I think that I may have a way of cancelling all these things we've gotten ourselves into."

Edward stared at me in shock. "Emmett? You're thinking?"

I ignored Edward. "I have a plan…"

**Chapter 16: Barbie Boxers, Cute Teddies & Water Guns**

_Friday, later in the day_

I peeked around the corner. "Clear," I mumbled into the tiny cell phone, "Can I come out now?"

"Wait, Emmett." responded Alice from the other end, "3 minutes."

I sighed and leaned back. If you saw me right now, you'd be laughing so hard you'd throw up everything in your guts.

There was a pair of pink Barbie boxers on my head. Where the buttocks went, there were now two holes and a wide gash under that. 2 fireworks, a water gun, about 100 balloons were and a huge teddy bear were in my hands.

I can hear you laughing already: CLOWN.

Well...yes, I am supposed to be a clown. The idea was for Edward and I to create havoc in the school so that the others could go and steal all the paper for the contest entries, exams, competitions...etc, etc, etc from the head's office while he was coming after us. Right now, Jasper and Rosalie were cancelling everything that was already sent online, including Edward's piano performance and my baseball match.

Edward stalked towards me, dressed in the same manner.

"Ready?" he asked, his voice vibrating with excitement. Golly, were we about to get caught! But we had masks, after all---if this stupid, ticklish thing can be called a mask---we were going to rush into the cafeteria and perform all sorts of tricks to get the head away from his office, pop all the balloons with loud noises, throw the huge and cute teddy at the girls and spray everyone with water.

And I came up with the idea all by myself.

Carlisle wasn't very keen on the idea, but in the end, he agreed that a little fun would do no one any harm. Edward fished out two juggling balls from his pocket. I gawked at them.

"You're juggling?"

"Sure, dude. What is a clown without juggling?"

Then the phone rang again. "Emmett? You can go out now. You won't get caught, and nor will Edward. Just...have fun! And GOOD LUCK! YOU'LL NEED IT!!!"

I grimaced. _Have fun?_ "Good luck to you, you'll need it, too," I say and hang up. Edward looks at me nervously. I take a deep breath.

"Let's do this."

**Chapter 17: The Forks High Weekly Newsletter**

**The Forks High Weekly Newsletter**

**Monday**

**Is Our School Turning Into A Circus?** Written by Rosalie and Jasper Hale

Last Friday, a staggering event occurred in the cafeteria. Two boys made fools of themselves by dressing up as clowns and performing their tricks in the cafeteria. Both wore pink material over their heads and carried water guns, balloons and many more dangerous but hilarious objects.  
"I cannot imagine who they may be," says the principal, who is stumped for the first time, at a loss for any suspects, "I do not know that Forks High has such talented students who are so skilled at aerobics!"  
Witnesses report that the two boys ran in singing "hallelujah," followed by juggling and balloon popping, spraying people with water afterwards. Then they both tossed a huge teddy into the crowd of screaming girls.  
"I don't like their singing," says Angela Webber, a girl who caught the teddy, "But I love the teddy!"

Rather than being angry, the principal is thrilled that our beloved school has such talented students, who he believes may be able to take part in the next stage challenge. The principal has placed large awards for the two 'criminals.' If you know anything about this, then you may have Edward Cullen's underpants.


	2. Part 2: Emmett’s Random Events

**Part 2: Emmett's Random Events**

**Chapter 18: Google is ALWAYS Right**

You can't always believe everything the internet tells you.

I'm sprawled out on the couch. "I'm bored," I announce to the only people in the room, who are Jasper and Edward, the two most boring vampires in the entire history of boring vampires.

Hey, don't get me wrong. Edward and Jasper are great guys.

That is to say, they're great when Bella and Alice are around, but as soon as they go off to the mall with Rosalie, Jasper goes all quiet and becomes a statue of Adonis on the couch with a book in his hand, occasionally coming back to life every few minutes to turn the page. Human-speed reading.

And Edward? He's at the grand piano, eyes closed. How can he even know what to play? The music is great, but not perfect.

Both of them ignore me completely.

I try again. "Let's do something, guys."

Edward opens his eyes. "Dude, we _are_ doing something."

I give up and go over to the computer, turning it on. It take a million years to connect with the net. By the time I see Google, it's fifty minutes later.

I have no idea what I want, so I type: _the strongest vampire on earth._ Of course it's me, dude, I think as I hit 'search.'

_Did you mean__** Emmett McCarty Cullen?**_

"Hey!" I shout excitedly, "Look at this!"

Jasper ignores me for a second time, but Edward comes over, the good old man. He began to laugh. "When since did Google start offering these sort of service?"

"I don't know." _The hottest vampire on earth._

_Did you mean __**Edward Masen Cullen**__?_

I scowl as Edward chuckles and types in:_ The prettiest vampire on earth_

_Did you mean __**Rosalie Lyllian**__?_

_The kindest vampire on earth._

_Did you mean __**Carlisle Cullen**__ or __**Esme Cullen**__?_

_The most predictable vampire on earth_

_Did you mean __**Mary Alice Brandon**__?_

_The most unpredictable vampire on earth_

_Did you mean __**Emmett McCarty Cullen again**__? Gosh, you __**do**__ like him, don't you? Just like __**Google.**_

_Yes,_ Edward typed, _in fact, I am __**Emmett McCarty**__._

_**OMG!!!**_

Our laughter was taking the house down. The statue of Adonis finally turns to glare at us.

"Keep the noise level down."

Edward sticks out his tongue and types: _so tell me: who is the most abnormal, stupid, soppy, emotional, meanest, ugliest, fattest, dumbest, terrifying, scary, monstrous, heartless experiment failure vampire in the entire history of experiment failure vampires?_

_You definitely mean __**Jasper Whitlock Hale**__, right? Never mind, 'cause __**GOOGLE **__is always right!_

**Chapter 19: Truth Or Dare**

I knew I should have seen it coming. But I'm not Alice, I'm Super Emmett. I can't see the future---and it's often that I can't see what's under my feet.

As I stepped into the house, I was faintly aware of a sort of...smell. But I couldn't place the smell—only that it was human food, because it stank. I could only assume that it was Bella again. And then it happened.

The floor tilted to meet my face, and the ground to meet my butt.

I hear laughter. "Edward!" I roar, flinging the banana peel in the vampire's face. He ducks, and flings it back in my face. I roar in anger when it stays there. Damn you, Edward.

Bella appears, laughing her head off. Alice and Rosalie are behind her, both smirking evilly. Jasper merely watches with an amused expression on his face.

I glare at all of them. "What's the deal?"

"Now you know what it's like to be falling down so often, only multiply this by 100 per day," says Bella, still laughing.

"So is that what you're here for? To see me trip?"

"Certainly not," Alice replies, "Bella wants to play truth or dare."

I raise my eyebrows at her. Bella, playing truth or dare? "Are you kidding? That game's for girls." I whine at Rosalie.

Rosalie rolls her eyes. "Listen to the human."

I'm in the blackest of moods as I plop down between Jasper and Alice. Both give me a dirty look, so I place Rosalie beside me.

Hey, _that _earned another fight.

By the time Jasper has us all calmed down, 10 minutes have already passed. Carlisle and Esme, to all our surprise, want to play with us. Bella starts.

"Great! Let's start with me, because I'm a human and I'm the youngest here."

"Hey, that's not fair," Carlisle said, "I'm the oldest, so I should get to go first."

"Wait," said Alice, "Ladies first, and I'm the oldest lady here, so I'm going first."

"Oh yeah?" said I, "I'm the strongest here, so it should be me, or I'll beat everyone up."

Edward rolled his eyes. "I'm a bachelor, so I go first."

Jasper raised his eyebrows. "That doesn't make sense, Edward."

"Oh yes, it does!"

"I'm the mother, so it's me!" Esme cut in.

Everyone starts bickering about who should go first. Finally, we agree to let Bella ask first.

"Okay…Edward, I'm picking you. Truth or dare?"

"Dare, of course."

"Then…I dare you to go and put Emmett's boxers over your head."

I paled, if it were possible. "Bella!" I gasped, "I can't let everyone see my perfect, pink Barbie boxers!"

"So Edward, you have to put them on. Go on! And we all have to see you!" Bella shoved Edward. Edward glared at her, and 0.123 seconds later, he was back with my boxers over his head.

"Happy?" we heard him grumble.

"Yeah, all right. It's your turn to pick."

Edward ripped the boxers off. "Carlisle, truth or dare," he gasped, "Emmett, are those clean?"

I don't answer the question. If not for Jasper, we'd have another fight.

"Truth," said Carlisle.

"All right, Carlisle, do you still love Esme after all these years or has your interest wandered somewhere else before?"

"What sort of question is that?" demanded Carlisle.

"A truth or dare question."

"Dang it, Edward, it isn't fair," Rosalie hissed.

"It is. Go on, Carlisle, have you ever?"

"None of your business!"

"Just answer yes or no."

Carlisle glared at Edward while everyone else held their breath. "Yes, I had a crush on a girl when I was human, but she's bound to be dead now, so no."

"That was no fun," I grumbled.

"Excuse me, Emmett?" Carlisle said sharply, "Then YOU can choose!"

"Dare, of course."

"Dare…"Carlisle thought for a moment, "right, here's your dare: you have to go and ask Angela Webber to the dance."

"Are you kidding me?" I gasped, "I'll be killed by Mike! Or is it Eric?"

"Eric," Bella corrected me, "Well, go on, and ask her out!"

I sighed and picked up the phone book and the phone. "Hello?" I asked, "um, this is Emmett Cullen and I want to---" I glared at Bella before continuing, "speak to Angela."

"Wait a sec, she's coming. May I ask who's calling?"

" Well, I'm Emmett Cullen and...

"GET AWAY FROM ANGELA, YOU FREAK!!!" Eric's voice boomed out so that even Bella heard him.

"Well, that's _my_ dare done. Jasper, truth or dare?"

"Dare."

"The dare is..." I say. Oh hell, when it came to dares with Jasper, I was unbeatable. "You have to go and enroll for the biggest anger management class in the country. Plus, you're not allowed to control anyone's feelings in the room." I snickered.

Jasper's face, if possible, becomes whiter and he clutches at his throat. "Emmett!" he gasps, "Are you serious? That will be the death of me! I will die in a room where the emotions are running so high!"

I smirk. "Your dare," I says. Esme has an uncomfortable look on her face.

"This is so stupid," Jasper says as he picks up the phone to enroll. Everyone is doubling over in laughter on the couch.

"Hello?" Jasper says, "I want to enroll for the anger management classes." There was a pause. Then his eyes bugs out. "Five hundred students in a small class? And you say that only the big classes are left?" No one can breathe. Not that anyone needed to, apart from Bella. Finally, he puts the phone down.

"Well?" demanded Edward.

Jasper glares at me. "I have to be in a single room with eight hundred students whose feelings are running really high all in the in San Francisco! Emmett Cullen, you will never forget this if I live through the classes!"

"Forget it," Edward snaps, "He can go later. Pick someone, Jasper."

"Bella." I see Edward stiffen at the mention of Bella. "Truth or dare, Bella?"

"Dare." Wait, Bella wanted to do dare?

"Okay, Alice, you can have your fun. Bella, I dare you to spend a whole day being Alice's Barbie Doll..."

**Please REVIEW!!!**


	3. Part 3: Hey, Ho, Hey, Ho, To Camp We Go!

**Part 3: Hey, Ho, Hey, Ho, To Camp We Go!**

**Chapter 20: Skip or I Spy With My Little Eye**

I chucked a few more clothes into my bag. Geez, who knew that camp could be so tiring? Safety rules, emergency stuff, more rules, the dangers of the wild, even more rules and a long list of stuff to take.

It's a different sort of camping style, one where the whole school goes. But we'd managed to land ourselves in a high school where there are even more less people than there were in Forks High. So we'd be going together. Frankly, we wouldn't be going, not until Alice assured us that it was going to be cloudy for most of the time, because of all the mist in the mountains.

There was a knock on my door and Edward came in. "Emmett, have you seen my toothbrush?" he demanded.

I glare at him. "Who'd want your toothbrush, Ed? It stinks."

"Of you, Emmett."

"Nonsense, Ed. I haven't even used it, not to mention touched it. What does it look like, with pictures of Bella all over it?"

"Take that back, Emmett..." the two of us were instantly on top of each other.

"Hey!" came Alice's voice from the doorway, "What's all that?"

I pinned Edward on the ground. "Give up?"

"NO!" Bella tried to pull me off Edward, but hey, she's not a newborn anymore, and the best she can manage is to irritate me even more. Alice tries to help, but what is a little pixie against super Emmett?

And Carlisle comes in.

---

"Toothbrush and towel."

All of us sat in the living room, glowering at each other with all our belongings while Jasper reads out the required stuff. I peek into my bag. Good, I have both of them. Edward glares at me.

"I don't have it. Emmett stole mine."

"Did not," I insisted. What a liar.

"Liar, liar, pants on fire."

"Shut it!" Rosalie yells. We return to our normal positions.

"Okay, um, Edward, you're gonna have to share."

"What?!?"

"It's nothing, really, in the war, we had to share them all the time."

"For crying out loud, Jasper, we aren't in the war!" Edward puffs himself up for those huge speeches when he wants to rant on at Jasper.

"Never mind, just try to get one," Jasper says hastily, taking the hint, "Pyjamas and a plastic bag for dirty clothes."

"Bella took the last one," Alice complained.

"I did not. See, _I_ don't have one."

"Well...okay, remember to get a plastic bag later. A huge teddy or anything that helps you sleep better at night," Jasper made a face. "What sort of compulsory item is that?"

"None of us have any, Jazz. Are there anymore things?"

"A blanket for warmth..."

"Skip."

"Sweets to eat on the way..."

"Skip."

"A book to keep you occupied..."

"Skip."

"A phone to call home..."

"Skip."

"Medicine and---"

"Skip!" Rosalie throws up her arms, "These are _human _items, Jasper! We don't eat sweets, need to be warm, be occupied, call home because there's nothing to call about and we don't get hurt that easily!"

"Well, then, that's all."

I start to drag my bag loudly back upstairs. Actually, it's no big deal, but I was doing it just to ruin Edward and Bella's kiss. They throw me dirty looks.

"Shut it, Emmett."

I ignore them and begin singing: "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with E."

"Useless **(Ewwws-less)** Emmett," Bella growls.

"Useless doesn't start with E," I taunt her.

"Yes, it does."

"No, it doesn't. Even if it does, that's not the answer."

"Egg."

"I can't see an egg, Bella, and there shouldn't be one here either."

"Elephant," suggests Alice.

"There isn't an elephant, Alice."

"Idiot? **(Eee-diot)**" Rosalie smirks.

"Again, that doesn't start with E."

"I think I know what this is about," Jasper mutters suddenly.

"You've got an answer, Jasper? Share it."

"Is it EVERYTHING?"

**Chapter 21: Mrs. Cheesy Sings A Song**

"I thought that pets weren't allowed?" I mumbled to Jasper.

**"I thought that pets weren't allowed?"**

"Teachers have exceptions, Em."

**"Teachers have exceptions, Em."**

"But this one is way over the boundaries, Jasper."

**"But this one is way over the boundaries, Jasper."**

"So what? You have to admit that it's cute."

**"So what? You have to admit that it's cute."**

"Cute? Cute is the last word I'd use to describe that dratted bird!"

**"Cute? Cute is the last word I'd use to describe that dratted bird!"**

I cursed the stupid thing that was perched on my shoulder. "D**g it!"

Uh oh. I shouldn't have said that.

**"D**g it!"**

**---**

Okay, I know it's stupid to bring pets. But a **PARROT?!!?**

---

Mr. Bean, the principal, glowered at us all.

"Which one of you just swore?"

We all look at him innocently. ""Swore, sir?" Man. by the way Jasper put it, it was as though swearing was a crime and that we'd never do such a thing. The principal takes the bait and hops off angrily.

In case you are behind the times, we're now on the bus going to camp. The six of us had bundled into the backseat of the bus, so we were sitting together, as always.

But apart from us, there was also the parrot, Mrs. Cheesy.

Mrs. Cheesy was the Mr. Bean's pet. How he brought it to school, no on knew, but one thing was for certain: it was one hell of a pet.

It repeated everything everyone said.

It repeated everything we said.

But above all...

It repeated everything _I_ said.

I glare at it. "Shut up," I mutter.

**"Shut up."**

How can something so small be so annoying? What's more, it repeats things that shouldn't be repeated many times.

**"D**g it! Shut up! D**g it! Shut up! D**g it! Shut up! D**g it! Shut up!"**

---

"I swear that bird has more brains than you, Emmett," Bella teases.

I'm trying to control my temper. Basically, it's sort of like not imagining to open the dumb bird up and drinking it dry. But I definitely WILL within these 5 days we are at camp.

"All right, then, let's play a game!" Alice suggests, "How about---"

"Strangle Mrs. Cheesy?" I mutter darkly. Luckily, Mrs. Cheesy is at the front with Mr. Bean, so she can't repeat anything we're saying right now.

Edward smirks. "Let's all do that at camp."

"Woo! I like the idea!" Rosalie's definitely enthusiastic.

The bird flies back and all of us shut up. The bird starts singing the national anthem. We cover our ears, it's so awful. Then it suddenly starts to sing something totally different.

_**Em's a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world  
Life in plastic, he's fantastic!  
You can brush his hair, undress him everywhere  
Imagination, life is your creation**_

"What the---" I start to say. Bella laughs.

"When did birds start to make songs?" Alice wonders out aloud. Then it switches songs and hops in front of a bewildered Jasper.

_**Chill pill, whatcha yellin for,  
Lay back, though Emmett likes to snore  
And Alice, if you could only  
Let it be, you will see...  
The future, isn't set in stone...**_

"Why you little---" Rosalie starts to say.

_**Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way...**_

I try to grab it with human speed, but instead, I trip and fall onto Jasper...

_**Rosalie fell in love with a goat and Emmett drowned in his-boat! Jingle bells...**_

Everyone on the bus are laughing their heads off. That's when I realize that Edward is writing out lines for it.

"EDWARD!!!"

---

**該死的愛德華****...**(D**n that stupid Edward)

I read the message that Rosalie just gave me. Chinese again? I passed it on to Jasper, who read it briefly and gave it back to me.

**可是你沒有辦法現在把他璀毀** (but you can't destroy him right now) Rosalie wrote.

**我正在希望我能夠** (I wish I could)

**今天晚上****,****如何****?** (How about tonight?)

**小心一點****,****這次他有貝拉和他一起打** (Be careful, he has Bella with him this time)

**貝拉****?****管她的****...** (Bella? She's no match for me)

**如果愛德華繼續編歌****,****我會宰了她****.** (If Edward continues to write songs, I will murder him.)

Jasper sighs. "Keep me out of the fight---I'm not going to do anything this time. Fight Edward yourself, Rosalie."

Alice seemed to find the songs amusing, though. "I know those songs!" she says enthusiastically.

Bella rolled her eyes. "Edward, stop it, everyone is laughing."

Edward only continues. And the bird continues to sing.

**Emmett has been raised from his watery grave,  
Do you hear his plead for help?  
A call to all, pay heed his squawk,  
Turn your thumbs downward...**

I seethe at the bird. It was definitely gonna die tonight.

**Chapter 22: My Dearest Roommates**

Dang it.

That was the first thing I thought as I looked around the tiny cabin I was supposed to be sleeping in with two other guys. When I actually saw the other two, I uttered an even more disgusting swear word.

Was that even a _guy? _It/he/that looked liked it had just escaped from a freak show. It/he/that had long eyelashes which it/he/what frequently batted at me, a high girlish voice just like Alice, only not as nice and a disgusting smile. It/he/that's bag was a pink one, only with no Barbie for a nice change and almost everything it/he/that wore was pink.

The second one was no better. It/he/that was big, ugly and mean-looking. It/he/that was enormous! It/he/that's belly was so huge, it filled the cramped space inside the cabin, and It/he/that's arms swung like a gorilla's. I gave a shudder as I saw it sit on a weak-looking bunk (which sank and groaned under him) and pull out a bag of chips and started munching on them.

"Ei," he said with his mouth full. If I hadn't been a vampire, I doubt I'd be able to understand a word, "Mey nem's ***" it was something I didn't understand, "'ut 'ost 'eepole 'all ee 'ig. 'F ya 'all ee 'ig, aye'll 'it you."  
**AN translation: Hi, my name's *** but most people call me pig. If you call me pig, I will hit you.  
**"Err, nice to meet you," I said, ducking the chips as he was speaking. Pig was a good name; he looked like a pig, he smelt like a pig, he even _ate _like a pig.

"I'm Tony," squeaks the other. Wow, he even has a girl's name, although Tony can be a boy's name sometimes. "I'm very, very attractive!" He bats his eyelashes again. I look past him and to his belongings: I swear I saw lipstick and a mirror.

"You are a FREAK!!!" yells Pig.

"And you are a PIG!!!" yells Tony.

"One rule, man," Pig pushes his face up to mine, "I'm the boss around here, so don't you dare argue with me! I've won prizes in wrestling!"

Huh, like I didn't know that one. If he saw Jasper and my wrestling matches, he'd freak out.

"Wrestling? Sumo wrestling, more likely," shrieks Tony. His voice pierces my eardrums.

"HOW DARE YOU!!!" Pig takes off after Tony. I take it that they know each other.

"And you must be Emmett Cullen," Tony says, after they've calmed down, "I see that you have got muscle. Help me to beat up this big fat freak for me, please."

"You are a GIRL!!!"

Yuck. How was I ever gonna survive?

**Chapter 23: I Dare You To Eat, Emmett**

I'd have to say, it was the lunch bell that saved Pig before I lost it and challenged him to his last wrestling match.

Pig was instantly alert. Faster than a blink of an eye, he was gone from the room.

Tony was a little better. However, he let out an earsplitting scream and shrieked: "Lunch!" and was, too, gone.

When I reached the lunch room, I suddenly realized something important.

Lunch = human food.

"Eat up! Eat up!" Mr. Bean was yelling, "Eat up and don't leave anything behind! Eat up..."

**"Eat up! Eat up! Eat up and don't leave anything behind! Eat up..."**

That stupid parrot. I went over to where the others were sitting. It was not a good sight. Well, no vampire is a good sight when they have pitch black eyes.

Bella was alright. Of course she was; she was_ afraid _of the stuff. Edward was not breathing and stared at his sandwich like he wanted to kill it. Rosalie had her nail polish out and was painting one side of the ridiculous, fancy plate in front of her. Alice had her eyes closed while Jasper...well, he was suffering. A girl walked past and tossed back her long brown hair. He had his eyes fixed on her. Edward kicked him from under the table.

"Put your eyes on your food, Jasper."

"I _do_ have my eyes on my food, Ed." but he looked away anyway to stare out of the boring window.

I picked up a sandwich. "What do you think would happen if we ate all of this?" I ask them, "We can't escape Mr. Bean."

"We'll just have to try." Edward was still not breathing. Bella put her arm on him and winked at me.

"Emmett, I dare you to eat human food."

"No way, Bella." Rosalie was instantly alert, "we promised not to play this sort of truth and dare again, remember? The sort that will most likely reveal who we are, especially after Jasper nearly went crazy in that first anger management class Emmett dared him to go to."

"Oh." Bella looked sideways at Alice. "Do you have a plan?"

"No," said Alice.

It was just then that Pig lumbered over. "Leftovers!" I shouted in his stupid face.

He took the hint.

---

The horse just wouldn't budge, it was terrified. I rolled my eyes impatiently.

"Move."

**"Move! Move! Move!"** Mrs. Cheesy squawked. I tried not to think about...it.

The horse riding master had told us that unless you 'ate horse flesh or was unkind to them,' they would normally be quite nice. So what was the problem with this one?

It wasn't the horse's problem, it was _my._

If Jasper had been here, he would've been able to calm the horse down. In addition, he rode horses all the time in the war. But no, Jasper was right across the camp, doing an orienteering course with Edward.

_Edward!_ I screamed mentally,_ Get Jasper to help me calm this horse!_

Then the horse starting screaming and kicking, trying to buck me off.

**Chapter 24: Emmett Gets Back**

"Noooooo!" I almost screamed. Well, it would have been like Tony. But this is definitely NOT a laughing matter.

The horse continued to try and buck me off. Was it a bull? I try to keep my thoughts gathered. Most likely Edward couldn't hear them anyway, we might be too far.

The horse master's shouting out instructions, but I can barely hear anything over the screams of the girls. No one can get near us at this distance.

"Hang on! Don't let go!" the horse master's shouting. Duh, if there weren't so many people around, I _would_ let go. It wouldn't hurt me, but it would hurt a human.

Just as I think that I am doomed, I see Edward and Jasper passing through, on their way back to the cabins. Jasper had doubled over, clutching at his stomach, his face twisted in pain as Edward supported him, followed by the camp doctor. But the horse suddenly calms down all of a sudden. Without further encouragement, I jump off.

"Emmett!" Rosalie is instantly at my side, "Are you hurt?" But in my ear, she hisses: "What were you thinking of? You know that no animal will come near us."

I don't answer as I see Jasper flash an annoyed, not-sick-at-all look at me, and know that Edward must've heard me. Edward grins and sticks his tongue out at me and I know instantly that I'm in trouble.

---

"What were you THINKING!?!"

Rosalie's voice is tremendous as it bounces all around the forest. Facing me are the others, fury, disapproval and laughter on their faces.

Edward flicks a bug casually off and grins. "Emmett, I know that you were about to scream. Frankly, I should've told Jasper to leave you on the horse for a couple more seconds."

Jasper scowls. "I had to pretend that I was _ill_ to get anywhere near you!" he complains, "now, everyone thinks that I am afraid of heights!"

"Heights?" I echo.

"Cliff climbing, Emmett." Bella smirks.

"That's not the point," Rosalie is furious, "You know that animals don't like us, Emmett, why couldn't you just make up some sort of excuse and leave? Don't do that EVER again."

"I wasn't thinking," I mumble. But the real reason was because Pig had said that I was too much of a coward to climb onto the horse's back. Edward laughs. Sigh, if he knew what I was thinking, everyone would know.

Jasper and Alice take off to hunt. The rest of us goes back into our cabins, having hunted earlier.

As soon as I step into the cabin, a terrifying stench hits me. I realize that it's Tony, snoring. Boy, his morning breath was strong. I stopped breathing and slipped into bed, trying to distract my thoughts from the terrible events of the day.

_Munch. Munch. Crunch. Munch._

My eyes snap open and I see Pig come into the room, still eating. Does he never stop?

---

"Dude!" Pig yelled into my face. I cringe at the smell of his breath, "What's the first rule in this cabin? You MUST listen to everything I say!"

His anger is really impressive. I laugh out aloud mentally inside, though; in a few minutes, he wouldn't be laughing...

There's a knock on the door. Tony opens it.

"Hi," says Jasper, smiling at Tony. Wow, that girl-freak has _fallen_ for him!

"And what do YOU want?" demanded Pig, eyeing Jasper with distaste. Jasper gives him a reassuring grin.

"Oh, I just wanted to do my morning arm wrestle with my adopted brother."

"Arm wrestling?" goggles Pig. Then he snaps back.

"You're brother isn't very cooperative."

I curse under my breath. But Jasper is unabashed.

"In what way?"

"He does not follow the cabin rules."

"Which are...?"

"Listening to me at ALL times!!!"

"If I am correct, friend, Emmett _does_ listen to everything you say, except that he doesn't _do_ them."

I gape at Jasper. Now, why didn't I think of that before? Pig looks furious.

"Are you ready, Emmett?"

"Sure." I get down on the ground.

It's a really short and playful fight, because we're not really fighting, but it scared the hell out of both Pig and Tony. When we finish, Jasper leaves, flashing me thumbs up as he sees Pig back away. I grin at him.

"You wanna try?"

He looks horrified.

"Keep your distance, Cullen."

**Chapter 25: Over the Waterfall and Far Away**

I grin to myself. Today had been rather successful:

1. Pig was now so terrified of me, he wouldn't come near me at all.

2. We were hiking today, which was saying that my 'siblings' and I had the advantage of running ahead of everyone else without sweating. I even got out my camera to take a photo of Pig sweating like a waterfall, lagging behind of everyone.

Bella was whooping, her arms stretched out in front of the huge waterfall. "Hey! I am the QUEEN of this land!"

Edward caught her and kissed her. Not that anyone would see--the thing was, the humans were all too slow. They had let us split up into groups so that the six of us were together and first to the waterfall.

Rosalie and Alice began having a contest to see who could toss rocks furthest over the edge. Jasper just watched the waterfall---with his eyes closed.

"Aha! I win!" Rosalie's triumphant voice reached us. Alice appeared, looking furious.

"Where are the humans?" Edward asked wearily, "we've been waiting for them for like, ages!"

"They're just too slow, Ed," Alice said. She began throwing rocks over the edge of the cliff into the water. Then suddenly, a splat of mud landed in my hair.

"Hey!" I shouted wildly, turning to see a smiling wickedly Edward and Bella.

"Ew, Emmett," Rosalie wrinkles up her nose.

**"Emmett is a mud-man, Emmett is a mud-man..."**

I recognize Mrs. Cheese's voice. Now's definitely the time to strangle that dratted parrot.

I lunged for it, but it flies away, singing:** "Emmett has been raised from his watery grave..."**

As I land, I trip on a rock and fall right onto Jasper, who's standing right beside Edward, who's holding hands with Bella, who' shaking hands with Rosalie, who's standing right beside the edge of the waterfall.

Uh-oh.

As the five of us falls, Alice tries to grab Rosalie's hand, but instead, Mrs. Cheesy comes and starts flapping in her face, causing her to fall in surprise.

**"Do you hear his cry for help? A call to all, pay heed his squawk..."**

We all fall. Dang that stupid Parrot.

**Chapter 26: Emmett Takes A Cold Shower**

Edward was the first out of the freezing water. He shook his lovely, gorgeous, bronze-coloured hair at me as soon as I was out.

"My lovely, gorgeous, bronze-coloured hair!" he manages to wheez.

"You little..." Alice seethed at me.

"Little? That's a bit much, coming from you," I hiss at her.

"You've just ruined my nail polish!" Rosalie wailed.

Jasper just glared at me.

Then we hear a noise behind us. "Hello, kids!" Mr. Bean shouts, "Oh, so you've been waiting for us here all along! I knew that you couldn't make it up the waterfall! And why are you all wet?" he looks at the waterfall, "Hey, didn't I just say no swimming?"

---

"I'm going first!" Tony shouts.

"No way, freak, _I_ am." Pig is firm.

I sit back and try not to take any notice of those two people---wait, no, _freaks_ bickering. They were fighting over who should get to take a shower first.

I think about wringing Pig and Mrs. Cheesey's necks.

_F**king bastards, I'll kill the next person who..._

"Your turn!"

Pig comes out of the bathroom. I walk in sullenly and turn the hot water on.

Nothing.

Huh? I quickly rearrange my thoughts. Dang it. I should have guessed---sharing a room with a girl and a pig was bound to leave me with no hot water. Girls took forever while pigs...had a larger area to wash.

I quickly strip and put a hand under the water. It's freezing--even for a vampire. I swore I saw ice cubes in there.

Slowly, but very slowly, I tip it onto my back. There was no shower---only a bathtub with a basin for pouring water onto the body.

Yikes! I almost yelled. The water was a thousand needles pricking into my back. I shiver and try to calm down. Then I try again.

It was even worse than the first time. The water attacked me like anything. The pain was incredible. I grit my teeth. I start on my hair, wincing as the cold pricks into my skull.

**Vampires have patience. Vampires are strong. Vampires are supposed to stand the cold.**

So I told myself. I think of what the others would say if they knew that I chickened out on a cold shower.

_Edward: ha, ha!_

_Bella: I dare you to do it again!_

_Rosalie: aww, I thought that you were tough!_

_Alice: I knew it, except I didn't want to tell you!_

_Jasper: people do that in the army all the time, Emmett. Only our baths took three minutes from the moment you strip._

_Hey, I'm Big E! I'm __**tough!**_

Did I say that?

**Chapter 27: The Cullens ALL Want Revenge**

_...snore...snore...snore..._

I try to ignore the terrific snoring coming from the two sides of me.

_...snore...snore...gulp...snore.... _**Teeth Grinding, drool doing, sleep talking...**

I am SO ready to rip these two apart. Scowling to myself in the dark, I think back on the shower.

_Tony had split his sides when I arrived out of the bathroom, icicles forming from under my nose._

_Pig had hee hawed like a donkey and fell over, clutching his sides. There was an earthquake._

I decide to get back on these two dirty little...

---

The cockroach squirms in my hand wildly. No matter---the crazier it was, the better. I drop it into the bucket full of creepy crawlies and grin to myself. In less than two minutes, I had a bucket full of them. Them, as in worms, cockroaches, flies, butterflies, moths, spiders, fleas, ants, red ants and about a million others.

I throw back my head and laugh out loud. Who cares---I'm in the forest, who's to hear me?

Except---

"Emmett's gone wonky," Bella giggles, "talking and laughing to himself."

"What's it with the bugs, man?" Edward says, chuckling, "or are you somehow addicted?" both of them laugh.

"What are YOU doing?" I demand.

"No fire, please." The both of them are still chuckling.

Bella stepped forward. "I thought you needed my help."

I glared at Edward. "You read my thoughts!"

Then the other four come over. "Hey, Emmett, don't be angry. We want to have some fun, too!"

"As in...?" I question. Bella holds up two sleeping pills. Rosalie takes out makeup and Alice...well, Alice was incredible. A sexy low-cut top, a miniskirt, a bikini...

I start to grin to myself. "And, of course, Edward will be able to tell us what they're thinking while Jasper will create the atmosphere," Rosalie said happily.

My family. Of course, when it came to this sort of stuff, we were unbeatable!

---

"Mmp?" Pig says.

"Hurry, guys, we're late!" I shout, chucking pillows in their faces. Or what looks like their faces. The truth was, the sleeping pills only worked this far. The rest of the camp was under the impression that I was the only one awake and that Pig and Tony were late.

Pig struggles out of bed and lumbers to the door. Tony starts to go to the bathroom. I quickly grab his wrist.

"No makeup today, let's go, Go, GO!!!"

They stumble out of the cabin and go to the dining room. The entire room erupts with laughter.

Pig starts to scream, accompanied by Tony. I slip out of sight.

_The sight of Pig and Tony in miniskirts and sexy low-cut tops, lipstick, mascara, face powder is just priceless. They try to run back into the cabin, but Alice's high heel's slow and trip them up, causing everyone to see their pink panties as they fall. Then, the both of them scream again as a dozen creepy crawlies come crawling over them. I can feel Jasper creating the embarrassed feeling for the both of them and in the background, Edward as music playing a 'nay nay nay nay nay nay,' song. The two of them quickly realize what must have happened._

_**"Cullen!!!"**_

**The End.**

**Acknowledgements:**

**Stephenie Meyer, who provided all these wonderful characters for me to play with. Still, Twilight is not mine.**

**The changed songs were:**

_**Em's a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world **_was a changed version of **I'm a Barbie Girl by Aqua**

_**Chill pill, whatcha yellin for **_was changed from **Complicated by Avril Lavigne**

_**Rosalie fell in love with a goat and Emmett drowned in his-boat! **_was a changed version of **Jingle bells, a Christmas Carol**

_**Emmett has been raised from his watery grave**_ was changed from **Hoist the Colours **from **The Pirates of the Caribbean 3 **by **Hans Zimmer**

**And you, my dear readers, for supporting me the whole time. **

**If you reviewed, and corrected me on my mistakes, thank you.**

**There will be no sequel to this. Thanks for reading.**

**PS:**

**If you have not done so already, this is the last time I will ask you to do this:**

**I beg you. I plead you. I'll give you Emmett!**

**Please REVIEW!!!**


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